Laughing in the Dark

I haven't seen my 4-year-old host niece Juanita (granddaughter of mamá, daughter of María Sol and Pablo) in a very long time, and she came over the other night while her parents were out. At the beginning of my trip, we couldn't understand each other at all. This visit, we communicated quite fácilmente (easily). I was so excited that I could understand her 4-year-old Spanish. I know that my pronunciation has improved because a 4-year-olds' comprehension isn't as forgiving as that of an adult who understands that you don't speak Spanish as your native language and that you make mistakes. We took a funny photo shoot and both died laughing. She is the cutest and it was really hard to say goodbye to her. These are definitely things that I have been lacking while in Argentina: small children and the happiness they bring. Saying goodbye to one of my favorite doormen, Luis, was also difficult, but we are going to keep in touch and he is going to send me photos when he goes to Brazil, so that is something to look forward to.

I've been feeling really odd lately and my moods keep switching between extreme sadness and hyper overexcitedness. It's strange to think that when I see most people now that I've been seeing randomly for the last 5 months, it might be the last time I see them. People that I don't consider close enough to visit in the future or make an effort to communicate with, but people that I have enjoyed passing time with in groups or on random occasions when we were in the same place. I think it will be okay moving on but at the same time it would be nice if they were around just so we could say hi or catch up once in a while. I suppose if that happened with everyone that I have enjoyed meeting during my lifetime, it would be overwhelming and I would drown in the masses. Perhaps life has already figured out what's best for me.

I was studying for my psychology exam and drinking mate (the beverage that has become a necessary study tool for this class) and I suddenly had buckets of energy. I burst out with weird noises and chuckles while no one else was home. Toto continued to sleep; I think he's used to my random outbursts. Even though I have lived with a host mom and then a host sister for this whole trip, this is the most alone I have ever lived. No real family or friends my age. I think I've just learned how to adapt to this lack of constant company by talking aloud to myself. Sometimes I just lay in my bed while trying to sleep and laugh to myself because of something that happened earlier that day. Maybe that's abnormal, but it makes me feel better. If you can't make yourself feel better, you have to rely on other people. And what if those people don't come through? While I am a very social person, I also really value my alone time. That's another reason why I love running; it gives me time to think. This trip has been really beneficial for me because it has taught me how to be independent. While there are certainly times when I am mad at myself for saying or doing something stupid, and times when I am around people that make me feel bad about myself, at the end of the day I am really happy with who I am. As Henry David Thoreau says, "If I am not myself, who else will be?" I think it is definitely okay to get excited when a boy notices me or says something cute, or when a friend really makes an effort to make me smile, but I know I cannot ultimately depend on anyone else to sustain my happiness. I am the only person that is guaranteed to remain constant through everything. I should be able to be happy when nothing particularly different or exciting is going on. Just happy to be alive, you know? And I am.

I have also learned other truths about myself while in Argentina that I am working on coming to terms with rather than hiding from them. I am an extreme procrastinator. I know that I am a good student with a decent degree of intelligence, but I also know that I leave things until the last minute. While I have self-motivation, I also seriously value relationship building and opportunities to strengthen friendships or make new ones, and often times jump at these opportunities when they arise instead of doing school work. I used to feel guilty when I did that, but now I understand that it is just a part of who I am and as long as I ultimately get my work done, I shouldn't worry so much. Often times I just end up worrying about things for a week before I actually start them and then eventually get them done. I should really just skip the worry week and jump to the one or two stressful days before when they come. "Don't be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34. I have my last final on Wednesday for psychology and I am starting to feel semi-prepared. I can prepare 10 minutes of the oral presentation beforehand, but then the professors can ask me about anything that we have learned in the course and I have to respond in a correct and timely manner. This part is a bit more intimidating.

My friend Maddie has an apartment here now and we have been having a lot of fun friend gatherings there since it's right near Plaza Serrano, the night scene in the capital of Buenos Aires. My friend Federico that I met on the Mendoza bus ride brought his friends over and we all hung out. Afterward we went to a club and had another night of flashing lights and electronic music. When the boliche finally cleared out, my friend Whitney and I walked home and I realized what an interesting mix of people is out at 6:30 in the morning in Buenos Aires. There are old ladies with grocery bags getting an early start, couples happily meandering hand in hand, and drunken men wobbling down the sidewalks and saying funny, incoherent, and/or offensive things. Whitney and I sat on a stoop to finish our conversation before we parted ways, and two men who did not appear overly intoxicated passed us. They simply said "hace frío!" (it's cold!) and moved on. We ignored them, but then they returned two minutes later and handed us each a rose that they had purchased from a nearby flower stand. And then they just continued walking! It was surprising and pleasing that they did not stop to flirt with us or expect anything from their generous gift. They just seemed to be genuinely nice guys. I put my rose in a glass of water on my desk until Toto came in and started eating it.. I forgot that my host mom once mentioned that he has a liking for them.

I hung out with Vari from my psychology class and we had a fun few hours of ferias and ice cream. She has become one of my best friends from Argentina and I am really going to miss her. I woke up the other morning with a huge pain in my knee; I really hope it goes away within a few days because I do not want to have to forgo my half marathon like I had to do last year because of my broken foot. Last night I went to La Viruta again for a tango lesson and then dancing. During the lesson, a boy came over to me and asked me to dance. He was pretty cute and tall and I soon found out that he was a professional tennis player training for the Olympics! He is from Bariloche in Patagonia, is teaching tennis lessons in Buenos Aires, and is going to Spain soon to play tennis there. We had a fun time dancing and he went to get a drink. Afterward, he was looking for me in the wrong spot and before I could go over to him or signal to him where I was, he moved to the center of the dance floor and began seductively tango-ing with my friend! A slight bummer but alas. Who needs famous tennis players, anyway? :) Today I went to la Feria de Mataderos again and this time the events actually happened, contrary to 25 de mayo when it was rained out. I had a really fun time exploring with my friends. There was fun gaucho music, lots of artisan stands with handmade goods, interesting food like candied apples with popcorn on them, and dancing gauchos. One of them even kissed my cheek! I'm glad I went but now it's time to study for the rest of the night. What does that word even mean? This study abroad experience has included too much of the "studying" part. At least it will be all over soon!