Ghosts and Empty Seats

I recently started reading ingredient lists of snacks I was buying, and realized that almost all of the alfajores, cookies, and crackers that I have been eating contain "grasa bovina" or "grasa vacuna", aka beef fat. This initially shocked me and grossed me out. I suppose lard is used more here in processed products because it is cheap due to the abundance of cows, while in the States it is cheaper to use vegetable shortening. I really do not know what to think about this and have to think again about my vegetarian moral system. Do they use the fat from the cows once they are already killed for meat? If they are going to kill the cow for meat anyway is it better to use as much of the animal as possible? Or is that just supporting the meat killing industry? However, I have the same problem with gelatin, which is also a part of an animal (generally horse hooves). This makes me want to consider being vegan but I do not think it is sustainable nor healthy if you do not plan your diet exactly right. I do believe it is natural to eat animals, but it just makes me shiver the way we go about producing meat in the States. I don't know much about the process in Argentina; I should research their tactics. As for right now, I will stick with the one alfajor brand and one cookie brand that I know don't have beef fat until I can find the way out of my tangled thoughts.

I went to lunch with my group of Argentine friends from my psychology class in Universidad Católica and had a blast. When I compare now to having lunch with a few of them the second week of class and not understanding anything, I smile. Of course there are always going to be inside jokes between groups of close friends that I will not understand, but I felt so much more comfortable this time. We went to Burger King (the first time I have been there since I was about 10), and I tried a soy sandwich. It still tasted like fast food, but at least it was vegetarian. We took pictures by the river and made fun of each other. They make me very happy and I'm really glad we are friends :) That same day I went to the annual Buenos Aires Fería de libros (book fair). It was gigantic and very easy to get lost in. There were millions of books and some discussions by authors that I was able to listen to. I bought El Aleph by Jorge Luis Borges (an Argentine author that many streets are named after), Cien Años de Soledad by Gabriel García Márquez (a Spanish author), and Historias de cronopios y de famas by Julio Cortázar (a book recommended to me by my semi-cousin Geoffrey).

Random collection of occurrences/thoughts: I signed up for a half marathon October 29th in Middleton, Wisconsin, right outside of Madison! It will be my second one and I hope to beat my time of just under two hours. It is the day of Freak Fest and is Halloween themed. I don't think it's very likely that I will have the time/motivation/space to train here, but I will start right when I get home. Toto the cat scares the crap out of me sometimes. He can open my closed door and sometimes does this while I am concentrating hard on homework or sleeping. Also, his eyes glow from across the room when he stares at me unblinkingly. The other night, he started spazzing out and jumping on furniture. Then I started imagining movement of objects and leaky sinks, reinforcing my theory that perhaps there's a ghost living in the apartment. Maybe it likes mate. I have two midterms this coming week and two the week after. I am deathly afraid of them, since some of them count for my entire grade for the class. I'm used to tests with grades that make up 20% of my class grade, so it is very unnerving to have only one chance to do well.

I returned to Rosario for the week-end with my IFSA program and had a lovely two days in the sun. We did a walking tour through the city and saw a lot of government buildings, cathedrals, shopping malls, and historical sites. One of the government buildings used to house tortured prisoners in the basement during the Argentine dictatorship and the time of the desaparecidos. I was able to spend more time with Agustín, and we went to the Museo de la Memoria. Here were many symbolic representations and documents commemorating the desaprecidos during the dictatorship. Between 1976 and 1983, 30,000 people disappeared. There were golden columns with all of the names and ages of the victims listed on them; it reminded me of the wall of victims in the World War II Memorial in Washington DC. There was a room with a wall of puzzle pieces, where there were pictures, ages and families of the disappeared. Some of the squares were blank, and underneath it said "this is the unborn child of so and so, who disappeared in 1977.." It was heart-breaking to see all of the families who were taken by the government without justification. There was also a room filled with identification cards hanging from the ceiling. On them are victims who disappeared from the same library; they had distinct occupations but were all studying and gaining knowledge about things that the government didn't like. Walking through this museum produced the same feeling that I experienced when visiting Hiroshima many years ago. There were videos and interviews with the Madres (mothers) of the victims which made me want to cry. There was a book of poems written by them; here is a part of one and my translated version (disclaimer: possibility of misinterpretation):

"volverá la mañana a dorarte los ojos?

un asiento vacío tiene un eco profundo
hay un frío absoluto en sus ojos cerrados
como absurdo
como brumas de sueño

en las sillas vacías se sientan los recuerdos."
*
"will the morning return to light up your eyes?

an empty seat has a profound echo
there is an absolute coldness in your closed eyes
an absurdity
like the haziness of dreams

in the empty seats reside the memories."

There was also a horrible message on the wall created from newspaper cut outs from the assassins to victims, threatening their lives and those of their families. Seeing these things horrifies me and tears me apart from the inside, but I really appreciate the awareness I am gaining. I would like to do more research about the time of the Argentine dictatorship in the 70's and 80's. On a lighter note, for the rest of my Rosario trip I was able to spend time walking along the Paraná river, basking in the sun, and hanging out with Agustín. And now, time to study until I disintegrate.